Stay Put, Baby Girl

I tend to resist documenting these things because writing somehow makes them more real (and I would rather pretend they are not).  Last night we had Scary Pregnancy Strike #3 and spent several hours in the hospital (Scary #1 and Scary #2 were both pre-term labor scares I tried to rationalize and forget about - i.e. didn't write about).  I will spare you all the details, but I will say there was a lot of blood involved and a hasty trip to the hospital.  Thankfully Roscoe and I were met there by Ray (who left work), Shannon (our midwife) and Nani (Roscoe's nanny who took him home and spent the rest of the day/night with him).  After several scary and frustrating hours at the hospital, we left with no real answers.  We know the baby is moving and her heart rate is good.  My blood pressure and heart rate is good.  The bleeding has stopped.  We know the bleeding/clots are coming from the uterus.  After 3 ultrasounds last night we know that I do not have placenta previa (although anything closer than 2cm is considered a previa and my placenta is exactly 2cm from my cervix, so cutting that one pretty close!).  That basically leaves partial placental abruption or "unknown causes."  And that is how we left it.  Any pain or additional bleeding and I have to come back to the hospital and stay for extended "observation" - or an emergency C-section, I suppose.

I am so relieved to know that the baby is fine right now.  However... I am terrified of what might come next and constantly on edge.  Every Braxton-Hicks contraction, every hunger pain, every twinge I feel sends me on the verge of a panic attack.  I know I need to keep my cool because pumping the baby full of stress hormones is not going to help anyone.  But that is easier said than done.  I am having a hard time eating anything, which also doesn't help.  And poor Roscoe is having a hard time processing everything that happened last night.

I have to document this, though, because someday I am going to tell my baby girl the war stories of this pregnancy and how relieved and happy we were when she was born full-term and healthy.  Just like my mom told me the war stories of her pregnancy with me (complete placenta previa, a SIX MONTH OLD at home, even the doctor teared up when I was born...)  I will hold my breath for the next month and do all I can to trust that things will be ok.