Lose-Lose because it is the opposite of a Win-Win Situation. An extra Lose because it seems inevitable that I will lose my mind. God help me (seriously, I'm asking). This whole bringing Roscoe to work with me is just not working. Interestingly enough, it is working pretty well while we are at work. It is all of the other time that it is not working. When we get home he is crazy fussy for the rest of the night and then does not sleep. And then screams the whole next day as I mentioned in my last post... Last night he slept for a luxurious 1.5 hours to start the night and then was up every half hour or hour the rest of the night. Mostly I never fell asleep in between waking-ups. Which means I slept for probably about 2 hours last night. And 4 hours the night before. And I am supposed to function at a normal level... no, actually, I have to function at more than normal because I have all of the responsibilities I had before he was born plus 1 million more.
Here is the thing - I don't feel like I have the right to complain because I have a healthy baby. I am lucky. Everyone who has a baby has had hard times. I knew what we were signing up for. My choices have put me in this position, so why complain? But sometimes you just need to get it all out, so this is just one big fat ugly nasty vent:
Why do my books say that babies start sleeping more after 6 weeks? Roscoe is about 9 weeks old now and he sleeps less. All I am asking right now is for maybe a total of 6 hours on the nights before I have to work. Especially the nights before the days I work 2 jobs at once (work + Roscoe).
Why do people tell me that babies love car rides when Roscoe screams almost everytime we ride in the car? It doesn't matter if I sit back there with him talking to him the whole time, holding his hands, giving him my pinkie to suck... He still screams. I dread taking him anywhere we can't walk. Oh wait, he screams in his stroller too. But at least then I can pick him up and calm him sometimes to maintain both of our sanities a bit.
Why do people tell me that breastfeeding relaxes a baby and puts him to sleep? Half of Roscoe's eating time I spend trying to calm him down. He squirms and cries (not fusses, but all out yells). It is a battle getting him to eat a full meal. But if he stops eating he screams because he is hungry. And then screams when I try to feed him. And then throws up all over me multiple times. And sometimes pees and poops in my lap while he is eating. And I can't even change my clothes because he is still yelling.
I can't even remember the last time I wasn't in pain. The ligament pain and pinched nerves of pregnancy, the false labors for weeks, the actual labor, the long recovery, the Raynaud's, multiple plugged ducts... it has been months. And I haven't slept well since I got pregnant last March (love the pregnant insomnia).
If I knew what giving up was I would have probably done it this morning. I wanted to, but I couldn't even figure out how to give up.
Quit my job? Then we couldn't keep our house and there isn't anything cheaper out here. Finding an apartment would be tough with two pit bulls and a newborn.
Put him in daycare fulltime and just work a ton to pay for it?
Stop breastfeeding?
Then I felt like a failure because I couldn't even figure out how to give up. The ultimate defeat.
Maybe I am just being a drama queen and all of this is very normal and I should just get over myself. And, truth is, I will get over myself. Probably by 11:30am even. Because I have to be at the vet then and my pup needs me. That gives me a half hour to calm Roscoe and pull myself together before we leave. I guess I better get on that.
I hope you guys are having a better day than me today!
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