Drama for the Mama

Sometimes I get bored with my own drama.  I mean, really, if I don't even want to think about it myself then why do I write it down for other people to read?  Good question.  And I don't really have an answer, so I just keep writing.  My own brand of emotional catharsis. 

Drama #1: Disability Insurance.  For the record, I went on disability November 19, 2009.  Yes, more than 4 MONTHS ago.  And no, I have STILL not received my disability money.  I have lost track of how many times I have called the offices and spoken to someone who is baffled by why the claim has not yet been resolved.  I know part of the reason is my income is not as easily documented as a regular employee (I elected to pay into the state disability insurance as a self-employed person).  I had to make copies of every single paycheck I have received from all of my clients for 1 year.  I sent that in before Roscoe was even born.  And it is still under review.  The woman I just spoke to this morning told me she has never seen anything like this and is at a loss as to what I can do except wait and call back in a few days (again).  Seriously now, people.  All I could think about when she said that is Heather saying that this would only happen to me (thanks, Heath, it did make me chuckle - on the inside at least).  I don't know about the average person, but going three months without pay is not just pocket change I can take or leave.  This is why I elected to pay for disability before I got pregnant.  Ugh.  Double Ugh.

Drama #2: Childcare.  Just typing the word makes me nauseous.  It didn't used to be the case.  I (ever the optimist) thought it would all just sort itself out because it always does.  I still believe that, I suppose, but I wish we could just skip to where things were sorted instead of having to deal with the sorting.  We met with a potential childcare provider (older woman, caring for children in her home) on Sunday and I about had a panic attack while we there.  I think I said 3 words total the whole time.  And Roscoe screamed like I haven't heard him scream in awhile.  This mama lion just wanted to grab her little cub and run him back the den.  I really don't know what she would have done if she had him all day and we weren't there (I am sure she was thinking the same thing and silently praying we decided on another option).  Ever since then my mind has been racing with different possibilities:

Option 1:  Daycare/in-home childcare: most affordable, but Roscoe is a little more "high need" than your average baby.  I had started to forget this (or think he had outgrown it maybe), but it was apparent when I saw the look of horror on the woman's face on Sunday as she tried to soothe him and he worked himself into a frenzy.  She finally concluded he must be hungry (everyone's conclusion).  He had just eaten a half an hour before.  Knowing that our son needs a little more help calming and getting to sleep, etc, how can we leave him in an environment where it is impossible to pay that much attention to any single child?  And would the chaos of multiple kids around even be an improvement for him over the chaos of coming to work with me?

Option 2:  Nanny: not really affordable, but more doable if I worked more hours (I could theoretically do this if someone else was watching him).  One challenge here is that it would only be for 2 days a week (most nannies want a full-time gig) and she would be coming to our house.  Nice in theory, but not in practice.  I can't imagine asking someone to come to our little shoebox house and take care of our screaming newborn with our 2 pit bulls whining and farting and trying to sit on her lap every time they got scared because a motorcycle started down the street...  I know that is our life (and we love it), but I am well aware this is not everyone's idea of a good time. 

Option 3:  Nanny share: this is the best childcare option, in my mind.  You find a family that already has a nanny and are looking to share the costs of the nanny by including your child.  Great for us because the other family might host (solves dog issue) and it would be a home environment for Roscoe with only a few kids.  And at half of the cost of a nanny.  Finding a good fit, though, is like dating all over again (i.e. pure misery).  Ideally the 2 families live near each other, have children in the same age range (for napping and stroller sharing, etc.), share parenting philosophies and a common language.  Oh, and only want to do the share a couple days a week.  Specifically only on Monday and Wednesday, thank you very much.  Nevertheless this is where I have been focusing and hoping to strike gold. 

Option 4:  Variation (or procrastination) of one of the above options.  This would involve me taking Roscoe with me to work (and me losing at least a few hours of productivity and pay each week) as long as my clients will allow.  With careful attention, I can keep Roscoe just happy enough that he doesn't have a complete meltdown while we are at work.  And since he is already such a flirt, everyone at work has fallen madly for him and would likely put up with a bit more fussing than they would otherwise.  The goal here would be to keep things afloat for another 3 months until Ray quits his job and takes over his dad's business.  Then he could take Roscoe with him 1 day a week (passing the lack of productivity to him for the time being).  This would save us having to make the decision right now and also narrow it down to 1 day a week of childcare when the time comes.

Any opinions?   

Oh wait, I already know another option that is sure to be supported by a few of you...

Option 5:  Quit jobs, sell house and move to Chicago.  We could buy a bigger house for half the price and live off one income there eliminating the need for childcare.  And, if I did work part-time I would have family quite willing to help a girl out.  Oh, and Heather and I could go into business together as accounting dynamos.  It all sounds so perfect.  Except San Francisco is home.  And half of our family (and friends) are here, too.  And Ray's business is here.  And my clients are here.  And no matter where we move our hearts will always be hurting and missing lots of people. 

Comments, suggestions, epiphanies?