Is It All Too Much?

Let me make one thing clear: I love my life.  I feel super-uber-incredibly blessed and would never trade places with anyone.

That said... I am freaking exhausted.  How do people do it?  In my head I know that people do this all over the world everyday and somehow manage to raise lovely kids and do their jobs well and maintain healthy marriages and take care of themselves.  If I had to describe my life right now, in this stage, in one world I would say it is RELENTLESS.  Always something to-do.  Generally something urgent.  Actually, usually more than one urgent thing to do at once.  Over and over.  All day.  All week.

I am up and out of the house before anyone wakes, rushing to the train.  I go and go all day at work, trying to keep up, trying to balance all of the responsibility.  I love my job, but it is demanding and the buck stops with me.  I respond to emails and read reports while I pump.  I leave work with an endless to-do list still to do.  I (literally) almost run to the train on the way home so I can get home in time to relieve Nani.

I want to fall over as soon as I walk in the door, but I see the kids' anxious faces, needing me to show them love and attention.  I chase Roscoe around the house telling him how much I missed him while he squeals with delight.  I cuddle Luka and nibble her neck and carry her, carry her because she does not want me to put her down.  And Roscoe wants to be held.  They need me.  But they also need to eat, so I try and distract them or play with them while I find something for dinner.  I look out the window every 30 seconds, hoping to see Ray's car pull up.  He gets home and it is perfect and lovely and chaotic.  And time is ticking because the kids need to be in bed in an hour.  Must eat.  Bathe.  Clean up.  Change.  Play.  Read.  Cuddle.  Sing.

Now for Me Time.  I pack my lunch and Roscoe's lunch for the next day.  I lay out my clothes so I don't wake anyone in the morning.  I pack my work bag and go through work emails and try and plan my priorities for the next day, so I don't drop any balls.  I do the dishes and half-heartedly pick up the mess of the day.  Ray tries to be home to play with the kids, but then often has to work after they go to bed.  We work next to each other in silence, no energy left.

I squint at my screen because I can't figure out when I will be able to go to the eye doctor to get new glasses.  I chew on one side of my mouth because I already had to reschedule two dentist appointments to get the cavity fixed.  I still haven't unpacked my desk stuff since we moved over a year ago.  There are piles all over the house needing my attention.  Weighing me down.  It is all weighing me down.

Where did the day go?  Where are the months going?  I feel like I barely saw my kids most days, like I haven't actually had a conversation with Ray in months.  But I can't feel sorry for myself because this is just life.  Many families need both parents to work.  Many family have two small children.  I don't know if our situation is any different or if I just have less energy than the average person because to me it really seems like too much.  Too much running.  Too much stress.  Too much achiness as I drag my body through the days.  Too much missing the man I married and the kids we adore.

Something has to change.  I don't know what it is yet.  But I will find a way.  I don't want this to be how my kids grow up and what I model for them to emulate.  If this is normal, I refuse to settle for status quo.  It is time to get creative...