First Day of School

(written on BART and posted covertly while I ate lunch...)
That's what it feels like at least. I just dropped Roscoe off at Ray's sister's house and am BARTing back to the city to work (no tears from either of us!). Lala had to work at the last minute so Super Tita Lisa came to our rescue and is watching him today. This is my first day away from him and I am not sure how to feel. I totally trust Lisa with him and it was very sweet seeing the cousins get so excited to see each other. Baby D practically climbed into Roscoe's carseat trying to get him to come out to play with her. And Roscoe was laughing and smiling away at her. So cute. It made me feel better leaving.

I am actually not sure who to be nervous for today - me, Roscoe or Lisa. We all know the boy is a handful (especially if you are also taking care of a 1 year old!). Thank God for family because Lisa actually seemed excited to watch him today, bless her beautiful self!

In other nest news, we are going to Tahoe this weekend. Ray has been dying to take Roscoe there since he was born. Ray's dad built their cabin the same year Ray was born so he really has been going there his whole life. Lisa and Drew and kids will be there and a couple of their friends (with more kids!) It is sure to be an adventure and, to be honest, I am not sure I am up for it (refer to last several posts if in doubt). But now is as good a time as any and it will probably be good for me to get away and leave the cell phone, Internet and everything else behind and just hang out. It will force me to not think about the laundry and grocery shopping and cleaning I think I should be doing this weekend. Our big plans include family style meals (we are doing taco\burrito night), probably some wii games and maybe some skiing or snowboarding (more likely for Ray than for me, I still fall a lot and I am not sure my body is ready for that yet). I am very, very happy it is Thursday and my last work day of the week. Yay!

p.s. Roscoe was a bit fussier in general at work yesterday but then he didn't have his 3:30 meltdown and he slept normally last night so maybe he is getting used to the craziness? He has probably already resigned himself to the horror of work like the rest of us...

p.p.s. Ikaika is definitely feeling better. Mela is the same but is happy to just run around on 3 legs while she holds the 4th up. The trick will be having her "take it easy" as the vet prescribed while we are in Tahoe this weekend!

p.p.p.s. For those who have called and I have not yet returned your call, please forgive me. I do love you and appreciate your calls and I am looking forward to talking to you as soon as I have a few minutes to chat! :)

Reset Button

Ok, so when Roscoe is in the midst of blood curtling screams and absolutely nothing we do can calm him down I try hit the Reset Button for him which is just making a complete change of some sort. A walk around the block (even if its raining), going to a quiet and dark room or turning on some music, etc. Whatever is a change from what was going on. Just to pull him out of the screaming space and see if we can fall into another space that works better.

I tried to use the vet as my Reset Button this morning. Things are feeling pretty crappy at the moment, but they feel way crappier when I get stuck and can't see past the crappy. Things hit a ridiculousness on the way to the vet that made me just have to step back and think that this is actually hilarious. To look past the crappy and embrace the absurdity of the situation enough to giggle even if only internally. Let me paint the picture:

Me: No makeup, in pajamas, covered in spit up. Can't remember if I brushed my teeth this morning but chances are no. Sleep deprived and frustrated. Having a severe Niacin flush - all burning up and bright red blotchy face and neck.

Roscoe: Screaming at full force. Will not eat. Will not sleep. Will not play.

Mela: Butterball herself limping to the car in the rain. She is afraid of the rain so she is shaking.

Me in the rain trying to get Roscoe in the back seat while he screams and hoist Mela into the front seat while she shakes. Mela and I are pretty soaked, Roscoe has wet patches where the rain has snuck in.

Arrive at vet. Park and try to feed Roscoe (I pumped a bottle because I knew he would want to eat precisely when I could not feed him). He refuses and continues screaming. Mela continues to shake, but wag her tail (she's a sweet little thing). Give up as meter maid approaches so I don't get a ticket. Feed the meter, get Roscoe into the sling trying not to get him too wet, coax Mela down. Just in time for the meter maid to pass. Walk through construction to vet. Rain seems to calm Roscoe temporarily. I hold my breath.

Enter packed waiting room with bright red face and limping dog. In my pajamas. Roscoe resumes screaming. I can't hear the woman trying to check me in. I am still attempting to shush and pat and bounce Roscoe and offer my pinkie or the bottle. Nothing appeals to him. Woman doesn't even check me in and ushers me to one of the rooms to wait. Finally calm Roscoe enough to start the eat/fuss ritual (see previous post). Vet comes in and tries to have an adult conversation with me as I stand and bounce and pat and shush and Roscoe fusses. Mela just wags and cuddles, no doubt hoping for a treat... you get the idea. Finally he just stops talking and says "I don't want to overwhelm you, you obviously have a lot going on right now." I just smile and nod and tell him to do whatever he thinks is best as I bounce myself around the room.

It really was a ridiculous moment, but we all survived and just think how fun that story will be someday to tell. (Or to forget when the happier memories crowd it out). Either option is ok with me. Really sometimes all I can do is laugh and hope the next 5 minutes are a little calmer. Which they were. Now I am bouncing (on an exercise ball at least) and shushing Roscoe to sleep in the sling (with a blanket over him because I am trying to eat and always spill on him) and typing away in between bites. Now this isn't such a bad way to spend a rainy afternoon.

Let me now give you an update on our vet visits. Ikaika is doing better. His bloodwork, etc. came back pretty clean. No major issues, thankfully, just a low thyroid which we need to keep an eye on. His tumor will need to be removed when he is neutered (sooner rather than later I was told). He is on antibiotics for his doggy cold/flu and is slowly being reintroduced to dog food. The vet thinks Mela has arthritis in her hips and a recurring soft tissue injury that aggravates her existing pain. We are going to try some pain killers for her and see how she tolerates them for 5 days and then go from there. She also needs to lose weight. Since she is in pain, we can't really increase her activity so we need to cut back her food (she already gets less than she is "supposed to" according to the dog food package and way less than Ikaika eats. She is not going to be happy. And we need to have a chat with Lolo about his Costco size dog treats and encourage moderation. If she doesn't lose weight she will basically be causing irreversible damage. I think it is kind of cute that Mela and I are both trying to lose weight. Maybe we can make a little sticker chart for our progress and decide on a reward at the end (new toy for Mela and new pants for me perhaps?)

And after all of the drama this blog has been the best Reset Button of all. Last week I was bawling because I thought Ikaika had some terrible disease and I was calling the pediatrician because I was worried about Roscoe. This week I have the luxury of just being annoyed because I know everyone is fine. I'll take it!

Lose-Lose-LOSE Situation

Warning: no sleep + no sleep + no sleep = foul mood.

Lose-Lose because it is the opposite of a Win-Win Situation. An extra Lose because it seems inevitable that I will lose my mind. God help me (seriously, I'm asking). This whole bringing Roscoe to work with me is just not working. Interestingly enough, it is working pretty well while we are at work. It is all of the other time that it is not working. When we get home he is crazy fussy for the rest of the night and then does not sleep. And then screams the whole next day as I mentioned in my last post... Last night he slept for a luxurious 1.5 hours to start the night and then was up every half hour or hour the rest of the night. Mostly I never fell asleep in between waking-ups. Which means I slept for probably about 2 hours last night. And 4 hours the night before. And I am supposed to function at a normal level... no, actually, I have to function at more than normal because I have all of the responsibilities I had before he was born plus 1 million more.

Here is the thing - I don't feel like I have the right to complain because I have a healthy baby. I am lucky. Everyone who has a baby has had hard times. I knew what we were signing up for. My choices have put me in this position, so why complain? But sometimes you just need to get it all out, so this is just one big fat ugly nasty vent:

Why do my books say that babies start sleeping more after 6 weeks? Roscoe is about 9 weeks old now and he sleeps less. All I am asking right now is for maybe a total of 6 hours on the nights before I have to work. Especially the nights before the days I work 2 jobs at once (work + Roscoe).

Why do people tell me that babies love car rides when Roscoe screams almost everytime we ride in the car? It doesn't matter if I sit back there with him talking to him the whole time, holding his hands, giving him my pinkie to suck... He still screams. I dread taking him anywhere we can't walk. Oh wait, he screams in his stroller too. But at least then I can pick him up and calm him sometimes to maintain both of our sanities a bit.

Why do people tell me that breastfeeding relaxes a baby and puts him to sleep? Half of Roscoe's eating time I spend trying to calm him down. He squirms and cries (not fusses, but all out yells). It is a battle getting him to eat a full meal. But if he stops eating he screams because he is hungry. And then screams when I try to feed him. And then throws up all over me multiple times. And sometimes pees and poops in my lap while he is eating. And I can't even change my clothes because he is still yelling.

I can't even remember the last time I wasn't in pain. The ligament pain and pinched nerves of pregnancy, the false labors for weeks, the actual labor, the long recovery, the Raynaud's, multiple plugged ducts... it has been months. And I haven't slept well since I got pregnant last March (love the pregnant insomnia).

If I knew what giving up was I would have probably done it this morning. I wanted to, but I couldn't even figure out how to give up.

Quit my job? Then we couldn't keep our house and there isn't anything cheaper out here. Finding an apartment would be tough with two pit bulls and a newborn.

Put him in daycare fulltime and just work a ton to pay for it?

Stop breastfeeding?

Then I felt like a failure because I couldn't even figure out how to give up. The ultimate defeat.

Maybe I am just being a drama queen and all of this is very normal and I should just get over myself. And, truth is, I will get over myself. Probably by 11:30am even. Because I have to be at the vet then and my pup needs me. That gives me a half hour to calm Roscoe and pull myself together before we leave. I guess I better get on that.

I hope you guys are having a better day than me today!

Whew! What a Week...

We survived! For that I am relieved. And boy am I exhausted. Is this my new normal *look of horror*??

It was actually only a partial work week for me since one of my jobs had a holiday on Monday and then I didn't have to go in on Thursday. So really I only worked Tuesday and Wednesday. And thank God for that!

Roscoe actually did very well. He hung out in the sling basically the whole time I was working (minus eating, changing and a bit of play time). He did well AT work which is great, but all of the newness (and probably some mama stress that he sensed) really threw him. After Tuesday's workday he barely slept (was, in fact, up at 10pm, 12am, 2am, 3am, 5am, 6am and then 7am). Yikes. Wednesday he hung in there until about 3:30 and then I saw him start to slide downhill. The day ended with a desperate call to Ray around 6 begging him to pick us up even though my work wasn't done yet. Thursday was a complete nightmare and he screamed almost all day. He wouldn't sleep, wouldn't even eat. I was so distraught I first called the pediatrician ("he must just be grumpy today" yeah... loads of help. Even when I am grumpy I EAT) and then I called my mom in tears. (I did think for a second that it was funny that even though I am a grown woman with a family of my own I still called my mommy in tears. Haha.) I felt so bad for the little monkey boy. I know how he feels, though, I hate going to work most of the time and would probably spend an entire day screaming in protest if it was more socially acceptable. But honestly I was so proud of him and how well he did while we were there. He got to hang out with the Aunties (and Randy) at my Wednesday job and it was sweet to be able to look down while I was working and see him snoozing away in his sling. Even if he made me work standing up, trying to bounce and with one hand so the he could have a pinkie. :)

Our poor little family is one sick, hot mess lately too. I have been fighting off the beginnings of a cold desperately since I sensed it looming last weekend. So far, so good but it is still there lurking when I wake up in the morning hurting my throat and making me feel all cloudy. I am so scared I am going to get sick and give it to Roscoe because how can I not when I am with him all day everyday? And then my neurotic thoughts think he will get RSV and need to be hospitalized in intensive care... I think he might be stuffy already (or it might be the spit up that gets lodged in the back of his throat, yuk), but we are both hanging on to our health pretty well. Mela tweaked her back leg again and has been limping so bad. She can barely walk to pee and watching her have to go up and down our front stairs is heartbreaking. Poor little boo. I am taking her in to the vet next week to get it checked out. And then the hot little messiest of us all this week - Ikaika. His is a new illness for us so it has completely thrown me (usually they repeat between the two of them a handful of maladies). He is so lethargic, keeps his tail between his legs and literally shakes like a leaf sometimes. You can tell the pobrecito just feels like crap. And he has barely eaten in a week. We have to make him lean hamburger meat and rice (bland and easy to digest) and that is the only thing he will eat. He is also coughing, I kid you not. It has been going on for over a week and I started to get really scared (damn Google) so I took him to the vet on Friday. Dr D thinks he has a cold or the flu (who KNEW??) and gave us antiobiotics. But the reason for him feeling so terrible and not eating seems unrelated, so they did bloodwork, a urine test and a stool sample to check his internal organs and check for intestinal parasites, etc. We are waiting to get the results from all of the tests today. I also asked about a little growth Ikaika has on his scrotum and the doctor seemed concerned because it looked like a mast cell tumor, many of which are cancerous (so, so, so scary, but I am going to believe the best and leave it at that). They did a biopsy. We also need to neuter him. So, before even getting the results of the tests there goes a couple thousand dollars. Like having a baby and paying our property taxes and my business taxes and all while I haven't had any income for 3 months wasn't enough to make us sweat a little. *deep breath* Let's just hope all the worry is over a false alarm. Ray said this morning wouldn't it be funny if Ikaika was faking this illness to get "people food"? Because trust us, if he was smart enough he would TOTALLY do that. Maybe he is in the corner with his fake "cough" giggling away in his doggy head at how well his evil plan is working.

Yesterday afternoon I was thinking thank God this week is almost over so we can start a fresh one. This one has pretty well kicked my butt. And then... my button pops off my pants. And there was only one buttoned (still using my belly band thing to cover the others). Which reminded me of last time I saw Basi when he insisted I was having another baby. I said, no Basi, not yet and he said, yes you are - look at your stomach. Ah, from the mouths of babes. :)

Photo Link

Ray put up a few more photos on his site... check them out (the last three are the most recent obviously!):

Photos

BitterSweet Week

The Bitter
I have a bit of a heavy heart today. It is my last week of recovery and adjustment that we call Maternity Leave. My little boo just turned 7 weeks old today and I will be returning to the workforce next week. Boo hoo. It is not so much that I don't want to work at all. I have a lot of pride in the business I have built and I think I would miss it if I had to give it up completely. I also really miss some of my coworkers (some of you may be reading this now and it's true - I miss you!!). Plus, by choosing to live in the Bay we have basically guaranteed the need for dual income. But the thought of leaving Roscoe all day with someone else (even if that someone is his Lala Friend Grandma) makes me kind of sad. (And a bit relieved, let's be honest, he is certainly a handful.)

The plan is for me to work 3-4 days a week and take him with me all but one day (Lala's day - thank you, thank you, thank you, Lala!) for a couple of months. I am grateful to be able to take him, but honestly have no idea how this will work. Some days I have a hard time eating and peeing let alone changing my clothes or leaving the house. That is just asking too much. So, how am I supposed to get ready in the morning, get to work and then work productively all day, get us home from work and then feed us something and try for a few hours of sleep? I am hoping for many miracles in the coming weeks that allow this far fetched plan to succeed.

I think I am also in mourning because I thought that this would be a sweet bonding time for Roscoe and I and that I would be able to take him for long walks in his stroller and go meet Ray for lunch and all of these wonderful Hallmark movie moments. In reality, I am only beginning to feel healed from the labor and am now in pain from the Raynaud's and he has spent the majority of his 7 weeks screaming at me. I knew I would be sleep deprived, but I didn't really expect all of this. So, now just as things are getting a little better I have to go back to all of the old commitments. *sigh*

Not all is Bitter, though, and here is some of the Sweet... I did mention things getting better!

The Sweet

"Morning has broken, like the first morning..." I keep thinking those Cat Stevens lyrics lately, it is like our little Rascal has turned a corner and we are seeing more of his true personality instead of just the fussin'. Most evident in the fact that he can actually be soothed. If he cries, we can soothe him (Hallelujah!). What a relief!! No more hours of soothing and still crying... sometimes he makes us work pretty hard for it but at least there is an end. And when he is awake and alert, he is a pretty happy boy. He even LOVES having his diaper changed. What a strange kid. I hope he doesn't have a thing for being naked and grow up to be a streaker or something. He also enjoys staring at the black and white pictures frames on our walls, listening to music (especially when his Daddy sings along) and long walks on the beach (kidding).

Ok, one more thing. It takes me a couple of days to write anything and in the meantime (specifically this morning) Roscoe actually put himself to sleep in his swing! He was winding down and I put him in his swing and he looked around for awhile and then FELL ASLEEP. OMG. I think the miracles have begun...

Here are a few pics (and a VIDEO!) from the last week...

Video: Roscoe Playing in Crib

p.s. Ray's dad's surgery went well and he is feeling pretty good. Thank God.

Raynaud's, Refrigerator, Radiation and Roscoe

It was another eventful weekend at the SF Nest.

It began with a diagnosis of my bizarro breastfeeding pain (Raynaud's phenomenon - rare and yeah, it hurts). Something to do with blood vessels and circulation and changing temperatures. Usually this affects people's hands and feet, but it can happen to a breastfeeding mom's, well, breasts. You know that feeling you get when you go from extreme cold to a really warm place and your hands kind of burn and you think maybe you just got frostbite (or is that just me)? Well, that is a hint of what this feels like. Obviously when you are breastfeeding you cannot avoid the changing temperatures (every couple of hours at least!) and you also can't avoid that even though you are in pain, this little baby still needs to eat, which causes more pain. Blech. I love my midwife for diagnosing this right away (people can mistake it for thrush and go through rounds of treatment only to realize it is not working so it must be something else...) and then for having me try Niacin (Vitamin B3) for treatment instead of jumping straight to the big drugs. Here's the thing though, Niacin has what is known as a "flush" as a potential side effect. Holy friggin flush. The first few times I took I broke out in a severe sunburn-like rash all over my body. It burned and itched and then I felt feverish and got chills and was shaking. This scared the crap out of me until Google told me what it was and reassured me that it was not unusual. It went away after a couple of hours, but when you are taking it 3 times a day this can put a serious wrench in your day and your morale (keep in mind I still have the pain and a colicky baby on my hands). I called Judi desperately on Saturday morning (on her cell, poor woman) telling her I wanted the drugs asap. She reasoned with me that I may not want to go there yet (she is right) because they are drugs used for people with heart problems and come with there own side effects. Plus they pass to the baby. I am now on half doses and the flush is more manageable for sure. I am giving it a week to see if we can control the Raynaud's with the Niacin alone. Be warned potential Niacin takers: that flush is no joke.

A taste of The Flush:

Then Ray and I bought a new fridge. He had spotted a great one on sale and we finally bit the bullet. Our old fridge has been limping along for as long as I can remember. The freezer defrost thing is all janky so it freezer burns everything pretty quickly and then it leaks water into the fridge. We can't use the back half of the fridge because everything gets wet and then freezes (no consistent temp control going on there). We also can't use the drawers because they flood. And we need to wet vac out the fridge periodically to prevent it from leaking all over the floor and causing many more dramatic problems. As annoying as this is, we have just accepted it as another piece of "character" offered by our old home (I know many of you understand!). Much like the doorknobs that fall off. And the back door that falls off the hinges. And the cracked single pane windows. And the "heater" in the hallway that keeps only the hallway warm and Ray needs to keep relighting the pilot light to even keep that going. Most of the time I have patience for all of this. More accurately, I think I am just used to it all and don't notice it that much. But once in awhile it adds up and I think I am going to lose my mind for a minute. And then there is that beautiful moment that feels like complete luxury when something gets fixed. Tomorrow our new fridge should arrive. It will feel huge to be able to use all of that space and not worry about dripping/freezing/flooding. Ray and I are so excited and inspired by the thought that it makes us want to rip apart the house and fix everything! Ray's voice of reason concluded that maybe we need to wait for the dust to settle from the latest Big Adjustment (i.e. Roscoe) before we take on something else. Smart man.

Then came a wave of shock and sadness. Ray's dad told us he has prostate cancer. How do you even take in that kind of news? Thankfully it was caught in the early stages (yay for Nurse Big Willie hounding him to get his check up exams) and they expect it to respond very well to treatment. He is going in for surgery tomorrow to have a radiation device implanted, which will emit radiation for one year. They expect this to eliminate the cancer. Because of the radiation he cannot be within 3 feet of anyone under the age of 18 for 30 days. This includes his grandchildren who he adores (this is the man who would stop by our house on a random Tuesday morning just to hold Roscoe for 10 minutes). We spent much of the weekend at their house letting him lug around our screaming child to get his fill. I am optimistic about the treatment, but really I think I am mostly in denial. It is hard to comprehend that someone you love has such a scary disease. And he seems the same on the outside as before the diagnosis which I find makes it harder to really grasp. I hope his body responds well and quickly eradicates the evil cells. Get your checks, people. You know what you should be doing, so do it. Because if you are reading this blog, I love you and want you around and healthy.

Through it all Roscoe makes us smile. Even some of his cries are kind of cute (some, not all) which I suppose only a mother would say. Speaking of, I had my first moment where I actually felt like a mama the other day. I was in pain (Raynaud's, still recovering from delivery), feeling like crap (Niacin flush, haven't slept/showered, etc.) and alone with Roscoe. He was in pain (gas presumably) and crying out like someone was stabbing his gut. It broke my heart and I was using every bit of my energy to try and soothe him. It hit me then that this is what it really is about. I love him. I will do anything I can to be there for him and comfort him and somehow set aside my own pain. I must be a mom.

We are having many happy victories with our little Turtle. He is smiling more and more (it could be gas - hard to tell since he is perma-gassy - but he does it when we are talking to him or being silly so it seems real to us...) He also just took his first nap in his bassinet (from his new stroller). This is excellent news because a) he took a 45 minute nap which is its own victory and b) it was in his bassinet which is where he will be napping when I bring him to work with me, so it is quite important that he likes it in there.


Speaking of going back to work, I have either 1.5 weeks left of leave or 2 weeks. It is still being sorted. Time is ticking. We are so grateful and excited that Roscoe's Lala Friend (Ray's mom, aka Big Willie) will be watching him one day a week. The other days he will be working with me at the beginning. At least I can count on one productive day of the week!

In other Roscoe news, I think he broke his own record for outfit changes in one day yesterday when he hit 6 (due to poopie explosions and pee leakages). Thank God for bibs or he would need even more considering his spit up talent. I can only imagine how much laundry I will be doing once he starts running around *gasp*. He also discovered the mobile on his swing yesterday morning. He was really intrigued by it for 1o minutes and I should have been using the precious time to do something with myself, but I couldn't help but watch and laugh as his big eyes took it all in. I think he has had his fill for now though because I have tried since and he is not as impressed.

Another milestone (in my mind) is nearing as Roscoe hits the 6 week mark on Thursday. Since he was a few days old people keep telling us that the fussing and colic and digestive ills will greatly improve at 3 months. I must be really hanging on to that hope because I am very excited that we are about halfway there. Not that I am not enjoying this little bitty baby time, but I am also looking forward to a little less pain and shrieking from the little man.

Roscoe chilling on my legs after a feeding and Ikaika trying to sneak in a cuddle:

Roscoe modeling his dress shirt (made by Laura!):

Our little hippie in his tie-dyed onesie from Traci and fam:

How's that for an update? And we're off...