Bananas!

After a month of holding all of my food at an arm's length because Luka was grabbing for it, we gave in and started the next phase of diaper changing feeding: solids (in the loosest sense of the word).

First up was bananas.  No hesitation on her part - all love:

And some sibling love:

Work = Fun

So, I freaked out when I first started my job and I'm not going to lie - the learning curve is steep.  Three weeks in now, I can appreciate some of the things I really enjoy about the new gig.  What you focus on is what you give power to, so I am focusing on the good and remembering that the learning curve stage doesn't last forever.

Things I like about my new job:

* Working hard and facing challenges in an intellectually stimulating environment is not as draining (for me, at least) as working less hours in a stagnant environment where my role is needed, but resented.

* The commute could be considered brutal (an hour an a half each way - car, train, walk), but I love that three days a week I get an hour to myself to read anything I choose (how many moms can say that?!) and a 2.5 mile power walk.

* My boss has told me "great job" three times (not that I'm counting...ahem).  Compared to the, well, zero times my last boss told me in the four years I worked for her.  I didn't realize what a difference that would make for my morale.

* The senior managers here are smart and professional and committed to improvement and efficiency and all of the things I also value at work.

* I am learning a lot.

Note to self: turn self-chatter off for at least 3 weeks when starting something new.  Then evaluate.

Both Sugar and Spice

He might be sweet as sugar sometimes, but that little boy has plenty of spice.  I just put him down for a nap and told him to stay in bed and rest.  "Don't get up."  5 minutes later I heard him playing in his room and went to catch him, but he had LOCKED ME OUT.  Little bugger.  Too bad for him I can pick the lock with a penny...

Melt. My. Heart.

Ray was putting Roscoe to bed the other night and I came in to give him hugs and say goodnight.  He was feeling cuddly (very rare), so I took full advantage and held him and sang him his Sunshine Song and told him he was my favorite little boy in the whole world.  He said "thank you" (he is quite polite) and then he pulled away and looked up at me and said "favorite Mama whole world."  Yup, I melted into a puddle of pure happiness.

This is Mama

Our neighbor came over to introduce herself to the kids last night while we were on the front porch.  She said she watches Roscoe from the window while she washes dishes and just cracks up.  I was introducing them and said "This is Roscoe and this is Luka."

Then Roscoe pointed to me and said, "This is Mama."

Smartie Pants

One thing that has surprised me about parenthood is how quickly my son catches on to my tricks.  If we have a beverage (coffee, beer) that we don't share with him we will tell him it's "yucky".  If something is really spicy and he wants some we tell him it might give him an owie.  He will generally agree with us and repeat emphatically "yucky!"  "might get owie!" and move on.

The other day Roscoe and I were enjoying some goldfish crackers (him enjoying more than I since I was only eating the leftover soggy ones he so generously fed me).  He offered one to Luka and I said that she can't eat crackers yet because she is too little.  He looked her in the eye and told her (very seriously): "yucky; might get owie" and then ate the cracker himself.

This told me two things:

1.  He clearly knows we are lying to him.

2.  He humors us by "going along with it"

Growing Up and Growing Old

Life keeps marching on and we all keep growing up.

The kids are changing almost daily.  Roscoe just looks different.  He has little boy (not toddler) eyebrows.  That is the thing that is really striking me right now.  Luka rolled over the other way last night (back to front).  I know she will be eating food and crawling before I know it.  It is like she grew up over night.  She is even letting other people hold her!  And has started napping unattached to me!  I was thinking last night that I am willing to keep waking up one million times a night if it just means time will slow enough for me to take it all in...  it is going so fast!

Last week was such a sweet time between jobs to spend with them.  Oma (Roscoe is now too mature for Ahmoo, I guess) came to visit and save the day.  She mended my clothes, re-taught me to use my own sewing machine, scrubbed down our kitchen and bathrooms, did my hair, let me convince her to do something fun and drastic to her own hair (and then trusted me to execute - ha!), ran every thinkable errand with me, watched the kids while Ray and I had our first date night since her last visit in November 2010.  It was just what I needed.  Now that things are so much busier, I don't have to worry about cleaning or organizing or mending for a good long time.  Three cheers for Oma!

In a (very) tangible sign of my own growing up, my mom found 2 (that's TWO) gray hairs while highlighting my hair during her visit.  Alas, there is proof (well, I guess the wrinkles counted as proof, too) that I am not as young as I think I am.  Yet (in a flash of sick pleasure) I was pleased that Ray found his first gray hair before I did.  He might have the genes of eternal youth, but at least he won't look 20 when I look 40.

And the photos!

Roscoe's first Muay Thai lesson:

 

 (yes, I know, I still haven't learned my lesson about videoing sideways...)

 Sweet Pea:

Helping Oma work:

I guess this counts as her First Food?

"Helping" Daddy prep the front yard for sod:

Oma's new 'do: 

Luka showing off her Calvin Klein jeggings she got from Tita Stephanie: 

Bed Head!:

 Cousins playing in the sandbox:

I tried (really I did) to get a picture of Roscoe to show how much he is growing, but this is as still as he gets:

Self Pep Talk

And so it begins...  Although we have been having clandestine work meetings for a month already, Tuesday was my first official day of work.  I knew this job would challenge me.  I knew it would be a tough transition.  I knew my experience does not directly transfer and it would feel like starting over.  I knew I would be jumping into a high-stress situation with immediate deadlines while having no idea what I am doing.  I still wasn't prepared for how hard it is.  If I am honest with myself, I have to admit that I am terrified and wondering if I made a very, very big mistake by leaving my familiar, manageable job (and hoping I can pull it all off without getting fired for my utter lack of competence/sanity).  Right now I cannot imagine being able to manage this job along with the rest of my life and not sacrifice The Most Important Things To Me and (the few) hours of sleep I am currently getting.

But here is the thing about me.  I jump into these ridiculous situations, knowing that I want to be the person that grabs the bull (i.e. life) by the horns and doesn't use fear as an excuse.  But I am the biggest chicken in the world.  So I put myself into these challenging situations (I mean, who really packs up a Uhaul and moves 3,000 miles by themselves to a place where they don't know anyone?  Or decides to study abroad in Spain when they don't even know Spanish yet [I didn't even know more than two tenses existed in Spanish!]?  Or starts a consulting business doing something they have no experience doing?  Really.  Who does that?  Oh yeah.  Me.) and then (since I am not capable of being easy going) I figure out a way to make it work.  And then when it is all done I think, "Damn, girl, that was ridiculous.  Don't do that to yourself again."  But time goes on and another opportunity hops along and I think about how much I grew during those times and how much more I want to grow as a person and I DO IT AGAIN.  And then I curse myself.  AGAIN.      

So, here we are.  This is where I choose between panic (which won't make it go away and will just give me more to stress about) and pep talks.  I start giving my self pep talks to convince myself that this situation isn't really as dire as it currently seems.

"C'mon, girl, everyone's first week at a new job is tough."

"If you could pull off consulting doing something you didn't know and learn it all before anyone caught on, you can do it again."

"What is the worst that can happen?  You get fired?  At least then you would get to see your kids more (temporarily)."

"This is your chance to figure out how to kill it at work and then leave work at work so you don't end up in the emergency room again.  What a noble pursuit!"

"Maybe I can work really hard for a year and then I can quit and we can sell our house and cars and move to the country and live off the land and embrace The Simple Life." *cue Excel analysis*

"If I come out alive I could charge big bucks as a fancy consultant and work less..."

I know I will be fine; I always am in the end.  If I were single I think I would actually be embracing the intellectual challenge.  Life is different now, though, and I am hoping I don't sacrifice my family relationships and my health for something that isn't as important to me.  So, here we go... *jumping in with both feet*